One

Esta historia nunca pasó en su totalidad, pero todas las ideas que use aquí son reales.  Esta es una historia hecha con parches de mi vida y parches de otros también.

“No attachments”

I have no idea where I read this or if it was even related to what I had connected it with.  I have always dreamed of traveling to India; I loved watching movies and reading books about India.  I was fascinated by its culture, its smells, colors and many of its contradictions.

Without even thinking I clicked 'yes' and right there! I had just bought a ticket to visit my dream country.  A lot of people looked at me with a fake smile thinking I was a little crazy and I did in fact, felt a little crazy.  For the first time in my life I felt like I had everything fall into place; got the perfect job with the perfect hours. I had finally found a person that I could see myself with in the future and that I could definitely fall in love with.

Sitting in front of my computer, I clicked ‘yes’, but not for the house loan I intended to get but, to go to India.

“No attachments”, I laughed

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I unfolded the blue piece of paper that Tomas left on my night table, which I refused to read before I was on the plane.  I told him about my trip that night; I told him I didn’t know for how long I was going to be there but, that I definitely wanted to be in touch.

The person sitting next to me on the airplane was looking outside the window without even paying attention to what I was doing or saying, or perhaps was just trying to ignore me…

When I was little I remember when my parents left me with my aunt to go on a tour around Europe. The feeling of abandonment occupied a big space in my heart and, all I could think of, was that I was never going to see them again.  My world fell apart for a couple of weeks or so, until the day they came back with tons of presents and, of course a normal life for me.

I could understand that Tomas was feeling like I was abandoning him, but I wasn’t.  My heart was in actual pain with just the idea of leaving him in bed every morning to go to work; that made me sad every day! 

Could I go away from him without feeling so attached?

But really, what was the real reason why I wanted to do this?

I have not felt this close with anybody like I did with Tomas, he was really smart, funny and very sweet guy; he made me feel safe when I was around him. We did many things together, we got along and for a change this didn’t scare me.

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On that plane with all that time and so little sleep, all I could do was wonder.  When my sister got married, I must’ve been 15 and to be honest, I was having a hard time believing in love; it was all a fairy tale to me.  During the ceremony, I heard the priest say that they had become one now.  That word lingered in my head for a long time; did I ever want to become one? What exactly does that mean? The only thought of that, really scared me.

They say when you are about to die, memories of your life just keep flashing and you go back to places and experience things you had almost forgotten.  I was certain I wasn’t dying but, my mind sure took me to places I had not thought about in a long time.

The night I met Tomas all I remember, was that we talked a lot but I don’t remember being impressed by anything really and quite honestly, I was having a hard time remembering if I felt attracted to him or not.

I was late to Christine’s party so I decided to stop at the store to get her a bottle of wine; I knew she was going to appreciate it. I met Tomas there but I didn’t think much of that night or of Tomas for that matter.

My hands were shaking and I felt like I was glued to that blue note; the note was so short and looked so naked on such big piece of paper.  His words were simple and yet, they made me cry. I was, in a way relieved that the person sitting next to me decided to ignore me. Tears kept pouring and landed on the blue paper that now was a very dark and wet paper, his words looked bigger and suddenly they sounded so loud, too loud.

How can you become one with someone so different from you?

“No attachments” – Did I read this at the post office?

When I handed my resignation my boss looked at me puzzled, she asked me if I was unhappy there. On the contrary, I replied.

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Everything was so quiet and so dark on the airplane; just a few lights were on.  Mine was off and I was a little cold.  That reminded me of those long nights when I was trying to fall asleep and had a hard time because all I could hear was either my mom crying or my dad yelling. Were they one or were they just attached to the idea of being one?

I wanted to see Tomas and tell him I was going to miss him, we didn’t say goodbye. All I had was a wet blue note with loud words that my heart didn't know how to answer.

It was very difficult for me to understand why after fifteen years of marriage, my sister had decided to end that life. She asked me to go with her to her lawyer’s office.  My mind flew to the day of her wedding; they were so young and so happy, so together. They were one to me.

Apparently I had accepted a glass of wine that was offered by the flight attendant, I tasted it; that almost bitter but heavenly taste took me to our first date.  It wasn’t anything fancy, I remember thinking that he was cute but what I can vividly remember was our first kiss, it made my head spin. However, I wasn’t sure if that was all the wine I had earlier or just the kiss, or both.

I read his note again and I could picture him writing it while I was sleeping. I wondered if he cried.

Why did I click yes? No attachments?

My cup was empty, this red liquid that relaxes me and sometimes puts me to sleep didn’t help this time. 
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I woke up one night, went downstairs and saw my parents sharing a glass of wine and laughing. They were looking at some pictures and talking. They seemed so together, like one. I went to bed with a warm feeling in my heart; I slept so well that night.
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My flight was long, too long! The person next to me slept the whole way, while all I could do was stare impassively to the seat in front of me. 

The first thing I did when I got there was to go for a walk, as I walked past many people and heard noises and voices; the heat and the smells slapped me in the face.  I realized I knew nothing about this place, all the movies and all the books seemed made up at this point. I was not normally comfortable with the unknown.

“I hope you find what you want”, those simple words yet loud words written on such a small blue piece of paper were still there. My mind and my heart were just so unsettled.

I wasn’t sure I knew what I wanted. I seemed ok. with the unknown

I could hear in the distance people repeating words, nothing made sense to me; it was like chanting, almost singing; very touching.  
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My sister and I went into a church after we visited her lawyer and even though I don’t consider myself a religious person, the energy of that place filled my heart with a solemn feeling. I asked for my sister to be one again. I secretly asked to be one myself.

Why did I feel so fondly of him, what did I see in Tomas? I had no idea how to answer that

All I could think was that even without a glass of wine, that kiss still makes me fly, even with the only thought of it!

He told me he didn’t like goodbyes. I rested my head on his chest until I fell asleep.

When my dad died I wondered if my parents were one. I wasn’t sure, but they certainly stayed together until that day. 
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Without even thinking I clicked ‘yes’

I didn’t know what I wanted and I was sure I didn’t find it

I opened Tomas' note and I smiled. I wanted to go home

Were we one?

I was happy with the unknown.